THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE LIFE CYCLE OF VEGAN FOODS

It took me a few goes to go vegan all the way (and to stick to it). So I’ve done the thing where you go out and buy all the foods one buys when one’s going vegan more than once.

Why do we do it?

I think we’re a bit scared we’re going to die.

Because honestly, whose mum has approved of them going vegan?

Probably less than 10% of vegans.

And our mum’s main job is to keep us alive (I assume). And she doesn’t think this is healthy.

SO WE MUST PROVE HER AND EVERYONE ELSE WRONG BY LIVING FOREVER.

And these foods are the ones that will make that happen.

Or so we thought.

You may love these foods and use them all the time. I’m not throwing shade. I can’t throw.

Tahini

I’ve finally chucked mine out after many moons.

This will live in the fridge until Pick Up Limes tells you it has calcium in it. At this point it will go in every smoothie and salad dressing for a fortnight until it’s relegated to the back of the fridge because it gives everything a weird tahini-y taste. It will end its days there, leaving behind a legacy of oily rings.

Chia seeds

I use these to make jam, and my boyfriend hates them. Not because he doesn’t like the taste (I don’t think he’s ever tried them), but because after every time I wash up my porridge bowl and pan, they try to colonise the washing up sponge, and they are hell to shift.

Seeds, in general, are something I regularly stock up on, just to watch disappear sadly to the back of the cupboard.

Buy shelled hemp seeds if you’re putting them in smoothies, if you have any attachment to your teeth.

Coconut water

BLEUGH.

URGH URGH URGH

I DON”T LIKE IT.

Is yakky.

If you don’t like it, don’t buy it. You cannot disguise the taste. It makes smoothies taste like stagnant puddle water.

Nutritional yeast

I just keep it until it goes off, and then I buy more.

Why?

Because I’m vegan and it’s something that we do.

I bought it initially because it tastes like cheese and I LOVE cheese.

But I specifically love cheese sandwiches and whilst it tastes like cheese, it doesn’t share any of its other qualities and is not by any stretch of the imagination a sandwich filling.

I’m sure one day I’ll get on board with it. I shall start sprinkling it on things. That’s apparently the way forward. I’ll just try to ignore how much it looks like fish food.

Brown rice

Yes, it tastes better, yes it’s a complete protein, yes it takes fifty years to cook.

We buy the microwaveable packets because we eat so little rice (once a month if that) that if we buy the dried stuff it goes off before we can eat it.

Tofu

I put the silken stuff in smoothies (so creamy, like a milkshake).

I’ve not bothered to learn to cook the proper stuff. Don’t tell the vegan police. It’s delicious when other people make it for me though.

It’s just all that pressing and marinading. It’s not my thing. And my boyfriend doesn’t like it (not that he’s tried it, but he has the tastes buds of a child and won’t entertain it), so I can’t be arsed to only make one portion.

Aquafaba

This stuff is magical.

It does take a lot longer to whip than egg whites (it did for me anyway) but it makes waaaay more tasty meringues. They’re so caramelly and delicious. It’s also FREE if you eat a lot of chickpeas. And if you don’t eat a lot of chickpeas it’s about 44p for a tin of them, and you get the aquafaba AND the chickpeas.

What a winner.

Dried/tinned beans/lentils

You will hoard these like Gollum. You’ll stack them neatly in the cupboards and buy more every shop because looking in your cupboards and seeing all those beans will make you feel like the best vegan ever. Also it means you’re only ever a few minutes and a tin of tomatoes away from a delicious dinner.

Vegan Worcestershire sauce

This is all you will see in vegan recipes UNTIL YOU BUY SOME and then you’ll never need to use it again. Weird but true.

Almond butter

Superior to peanut butter in everything but taste and price – the two things that matter the most to me.

Still, I buy it because you can’t cook anything from the Deliciously Ella cookbook without it.

Also maple syrup.

Medjool dates 

These are new to me because for ages I thought they were just a fancy version of normal dates.

How wrong I was.

Sure, they’re £4.50 for a box, but they’re absolutely delicious. I stuff mine with almond butter and have them for my supper. They’re sweet and delicious and because Dave doesn’t like them, THEY’RE ALL MINE.

Have I missed any??

There you go, newbie vegans – a list of things everyone goes and buys when they go vegan. You don’t really need any of it (here’s what you do need) but you’ll go and buy it anyway.

If you disagree with any of this, please let me know how best to enjoy these foods.

Especially coconut water because I’ve tried it many times and it’s like drinking someone else’s cold saliva.

And I want to like it because according to the internet it’ll make me live forever, which is absolutely my goal in life.

OMG I GOT A GREGG’S SAUSAGE ROLL!!

(yes, this is in conflict with my previous assertion that I wanted to live forever)

It was delicious. Like a big Linda McCartney sausage roll that someone else has cooked for you.

I had two for my breakfast before dog walking (an incredible pug-terrier cross that miraculously didn’t bark).

Breakfast of champions.

I’m a little bit excited/worried that Thomas the Bakers follows suit because there’s one on my walk to work and I can see myself getting fat. I’m aiming to lose 7 pounds this year, and so far I’ve gained five.

Go me.

 

 

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