I know, I know. There are a billion and one posts around the interwebs about this subject, but clearly waiting staff everywhere are not being heard.
1. If there’s a table that you haven’t cleared, a customer will sit on it. Even if there’re 20 other clean tables. This is a universal phenomenon. Resistance is futile.
2. You don’t get sick of the food. Ever. Nuh uh. It’s a good job you’re on your feet all day and get a chance to work it off.
3. How to keep the perfect poker face when someone asks you something ridiculous. It’s rude to laugh at people, even if they don’t believe you when you tell them where the toilets are.
4. The closing time on the door will be treated more like a guideline than an actual rule
5. People won’t look at your actual face, and will expect you to know the answer to a question they asked your colleague
6. Kids are gross
7. Kids on iPads are a godsend. So quiet. Judge away old people; the staff are happy
8. Whenever you’re running around like a crazy person, you release pheromones that may every customer want to know intimate details about your life.
9. How to do an epic fake smile and laugh
10. How to read a menu.
Customer: ‘I don’t want vegetables. I thought this came with chips?’
Me: ‘No sorry (it states clearly the menu that the dish comes with potatoes and vegetables). I can get some for you, they won’t be a minute.’
Customer: ‘Will I have to pay for them?’
Me: *inwardly rolls eyes*
11. How to smirk at the same joke you’ve heard multiple times a day for the last few years. Don’t laugh (it’ll encourage them), but don’t be rude.
12. How to graciously ask the chef something you already know, because the customer insists you check
13. How to answer the ‘is *insert food name here* good?’
No, it’s fucking awful.
14. How the answer the ‘is it a big portion?’ question. Just say whatever you think they’ll want to hear.
15. How to keep a smile on your face when the chefs are screaming bloody murder. As a rule of thumb, if it’s a Saturday night/looks busy, don’t ask the waitress to ask the chef something.
16. How to not laugh when two seemingly normal people can’t decide where to sit. Non-waitresses would be STAGGERED to see how many people, who can presumably dress and feed themselves, can’t select a table. This is why restaurants seat people. We let them pick their own seats because we’re kind, and it’s funny.
17. How many weird people there are in the world. Seriously.
18. How to cram an extra four people round a table, because a party ‘didn’t think it would be problem’
19. Avoid Trip Advisor. Some of the reviews on there are…suspect to say the least. Some are just plain mean.
20. How to not poke someone in the eye when they complain about something ridiculous. Like that ‘there’s someone sitting at ‘my’ table even though I didn’t make a reservation’.
21. How to eat hot soup in five minutes (add ice cubes)
22. How to bribe chefs to make you chips
23. How to strategically plan your shifts so that you never have to buy food
24. Groups of women take approx. five thousand times longer to eat than mixed groups. Groups of men eating in a restaurant are unheard of where I live.
25. How to be the queen of the quick fire gluten free/ dairy free quiz that customers frequently make me play.
26. That eggs aren’t dairy. Again, you’d be shocked at the sheer volume of people that think they are.
27. How to not slap people when they complain about the soup choices. 1. It’s rude 2. I didn’t make it and 3. I don’t care. Which leads me onto
28. How to pretend you care. You got food poisoning after a three-course meal, two bottles of wine and a liqueur coffee? POOR YOU.
29. How to pretend you’re writing. I’m going to write a maximum of two words regarding how you want your steak cooked. Two.
30. How to not be flabbergasted that people care so much about whether or not chickens are free range, but don’t give a shit about pigs. Wut?